50 Change a tire
Nothing is more unmanly than having to call AAA or one of your buddies to change your tire. Assuming you have all the right tools and a semi-functional brain, the job should take no more than 10 minutes. Just a friendly reminder though, be sure to cover up the plumbers butt for all the bystanders.
49 Use a charcoal grill
Any idiot can turn on a knob on a propane tank and adjust the heat on a gas grill. But there are many times, especially in the great outdoors, when you aren’t afforded that luxury. Charcoal grilling has become a lost art and frankly, as a fat man myself, I find the food tastes much better. It takes some patience to wait for the coals to turn gray, but the reward more often times than not, is a perfectly cooked piece of meat.
48 Bong a beer
We’re certainly not asking that you relive your college days or go Old Schoolon the masses. Nevertheless, at a tailgate with your buddies, when that beer bong makes an appearance, go Frank the Tank on it. “It just tastes so good when it hits your lips”.
47 Throw a punch without looking like a sissy
Inevitably, at least once in your life, you’ll find yourself in a situation where the fists of fury are required. There’s no need to panic, especially if you haven’t been in a fight before. The absolute worst thing you can do is open up your hand and bitch-slap someone or throw a wild haymaker like a girl. Compose yourself, rotate your fist and drive with your hips. A word to the wise, a straight punch to someone’s nose can get you out of a hairy situation pretty quickly.
46 Fry a turkey
With Thanksgiving on the horizon, there may be no better time to learn how to deep-fry a bird. A tip of the cap to the fine people south of the Mason-Dixon line for making this a popular trend. So grab some peanut oil and watch that bird turn a deep golden brown. You won’t regret it and trust me, it tastes a lot better than that roasted turkey your mom has been making since the 70′s.
45 Hook up the cable
Every guy should learn this, if only to avoid the day long wait for the ever-tardy cable man. In essence, it’s as simple a task as you’ll find on this list. A plug here and there, sticking it in the right hole, turning the right knob. Think of it like sex–put the required parts in, get out as fast as possible, and badabing badaboom, you’re watching TV five minutes later.
44 Pick-up a woman with a one-liner
“Is that a keg in your pants…because I’d like to tap that”. Regretfully, that line has not worked for me nor any other man since the Cro-Magnon days. But a first impression is indeed important when it comes to picking up women. A cheesy line gets you a drink in your face, a smooth one gets you in her pants. Your move Casanova.
43 Get your money’s worth at a buffet
Like any good strategist, a mapped-out plan of action is needed when you enter the wonderful world of a buffet. Skip the greens and fruits, that is, unless you actually care about living past 50. Go for the jugular right away–the carving station, the chicken wings and every other beast that was slaughtered for this fine spread. A good rule of thumb is to hold off on the heavy carbs until you’ve gotten your fill. Then feel free to enjoy some mash potatoes and mac & cheese. Make sure to leave some special time with the commode nine hours after you finish.
42 Some assembly required
Those three words scare the living bejesus out of 90% of men out there. Do not fear, you don’t need to be Bob Vila to follow simple instructions. The biggest problem for guys seems to be skipping steps and getting ahead of themselves. Don’t be that a-hole. If all else fails, the internet is your friend. Yes, it’s not just there for your daily porn intake.
41 Know your local professional sports teams
You don’t have to paint your face, you don’t have to regurgitate stats, hell, you don’t even have to sport the team colors. But dammit, on command, you better know all the sports teams in your city. Lest you utter the “Boston Yankees” in a bar and get your ass beat by a bunch of Southies.
40 Pour a beer
Perhaps nothing is more annoying than waiting for a frosty one at a bar and having one delivered full of foam. This isn’t rocket science people and you certainly don’t have to be Tom Cruise in Cocktail to figure it out. Tip the glass slightly as you pour that brewed delight. And yes, this is the only time in your life where it’s acceptable to give head.
39 Jump-start a car
Every guy has a friend whose car is in shambles–stalls at red lights, a bad transmission, and of course, a crappy battery. Don’t be the person standing around when the jumper cables come out, lend a helping hand–positive to positive (red to red) and make sure to ground that sucker. Otherwise, you’ll have a catastrophe on your hands.
38 Throw a football
Indeed, you’re no Peyton Manning, perhaps you’re not even as good as the local HS quarterback. Throwing a spiral, however, is as easy as anything in sports. Even if you have small hands and can’t grab the ball on the grip (that’s what she said), it’s still pretty simple.
37 Haggle for a lower price
“Never accept the first price” is something that’s hammered home to every young man by their father. This doesn’t necessarily mean you pretend you’re an Arab merchant and haggle at the local grocery store. But anything north of $100 bucks, in my opinion, is fair game.
36 Tie a tie
Regardless of whether your job entails dressing in a three piece suit, you will have to, at least a few times a year, be forced to wear a tie for a wedding or funeral. We assume you’re not wearing the clip-on variety so you’ll have to do the Windsor knot. It’s not as hard as it looks and again, the internet, especially YouTube, is your friend.
35 Erect a tent
The first time you erect a tent, naturally, it’s going to be confusing. You may even get frustrated to the point where you’ll never camp again. Take a deep breath, find some level ground and pound those stakes down. Work your way from there and you’ll find things a bit easier.
34 Cast a fishing rod
As a kid, it was acceptable to drop your tiny fishing rod off the dock and say “Here…fishy, fishy, fishy”. But as you get older, you’re actually going to have to cast slightly further than two feet beyond the pier. That is, unless you want to watch catch Sunfish and Bluegill your whole life.
33 Build a fire
One of the most satisfying parts in the movie Castaway was Tom Hanks ability to start a fire with two sticks. It’s an amazing feat and one that I’m sure all men would love to add to their repertoire. Nonetheless, in general, the need to build one without the aid of a match or lighter probably won’t arise. But building the fire itself, yea, that’s something you should eventually learn, lest you look like a foolish outdoorsman.
32 Tap and operate a Keg
We hit on this earlier, but a beer full of foam is worthless. If you, by chance, find yourself in charge of keg operation, it’s not necessary to wildly pump every five seconds. Let the beer settle, stop jostling the keg around and have some patience. That frothy goodness will be yours in no time.
31 Use a chainsaw
While working manual labor one summer, I pretended I knew how a chainsaw worked. Easily one of the biggest mistakes of my life. There’s this thing called a “chainsaw kickback”–it’s when the chain catches on something as it rotates and it kicks the guide bar back and up towards you. Well, I wasn’t aware of that nugget of information and almost lost an eye. Thankfully, I was still a young strapping lad and had cat-like reflexes.
30 Paddle a canoe/kayak
You’d be amazed at how many people can’t perform something as simple as sticking an oar into the water. Listen very carefully, because I’m only going to pass on my wisdom only once. If you want to turn right, stick your paddle on the left side of the boat, if you want to turn left, stick your paddle on the right side. That’s some aquatic knowledge right there.
29 Choose a scotch/whiskey
Age, region and blend are the three most important factors in choosing a quality scotch. In general, if it is not at least ten years old, it’s not worth your time. A single malt is certainly preferred, but you’ll have to dish out a few extra bucks for it. And yea, if you get a chance, try one from the Islay island region. The taste is a bit smokier than others but the strong flavor is worth it.
28 Drive a manual car
Admittedly, I suck at this. The first car I ever drove at fourteen years of age was a stick and I nearly crashed into a church. It scarred me for years. Despite that, I can operate a manual at the most basic level. Sure, I probably couldn’t go more than a few minutes without stalling like an idiot but in a bind, yea I can pull it off.
27 Pick-up a girl using your dog as a wingman
You’ve no doubt heard that a dog is a man’s best friend, and like any friend, a dog should be willing to be your wingman when needed. So if the chance arises where a woman is nearby, give your cuddly buddy some tender love and care. A scratch behind the ear and some rubbing of the tummy will score you some brownie points with the ladies.
26 Know how to navigate a road trip
We’ve become spoiled brats with our GPS, Google Maps and Mapquests. It’s essentially America’s lazy way of traveling. Ask somebody how to get to a store five miles away and they’ll plug it into their phone. No really, I’ve seen it happen and it’s embarrassing. Just wait for the day when you’re on a road trip and the damn satellite goes out. Watch how dumb you’ll look when you can’t read a simple road map.
25 Perform CPR
Not to be a Debbie Downer here but this is a stone-cold fact. If you’re not in the medical field and your performing CPR, you’re more than likely doing it on a friend or family member. Not a random stranger on the street, but somebody you love and care about. Do yourself a favor and spend five minutes a year reviewing this. In the end, it may very well save a person’s life.
24 Iron a shirt
You can’t always expect your wife or girlfriend to be around. Same goes for the local dry cleaners. If you spend any time traveling whatsoever, you’ll know that a shirt will get wrinkled in your luggage. Instead of looking like a slob, grab the hotel ironing board and start moving and grooving. Toss a little starch on those collars too.
23 Shine your shoes
You’re supposed to look your best from your head all the way down to your toe. So while most men may actually think your hair says a lot about you, a scuffed-up dull shoe has the same effect.
22 Do at least ten push-ups on command
Ten seems to be a good round number here. If you’re not able to perform at least ten reasonably solid push-ups, we suggest holding off on the McDonald’s value meals for awhile. Oh yea, keep that butt down too, none of those sissy push-ups.
We’re not asking that you pull out your best Fred Astaire impersonation. We simply ask that you function on the dance floor like a normal human being. Ditch the robot, the sprinkler and every other asinine dance move you learned in the 80s. Keep it simple stupid–some basic movies to the left and to the right and a dip here and there for the ladies. That’s it.
20 Play poker
No, I don’t mean online poker–there is literally no skill involved as you furiously click a mouse several thousand times an hour. I’m talking about staring someone in the face, knowing their bluff, and pushing all your chips in the middle of the table. You don’t have to be a pro to win a big hand, you just have to play your cards and the man, correctly.
19 Parallel park
Those who live in the country will rarely have to face this task. However, if you live in an urban setting, parallel parking is a must. Generally, it’s a matter of time and patience, something most men seem to lack behind the wheel. Fellas, you don’t need to do it on the first time, if it takes you two or three runs at it, no biggie. Just get the job done.
18 Unclog a toilet
While most toilet problems can simply be fixed with a plunger, there are times when you’re going to have to get down and dirty. Grab a snake and dig in because, for some reason, your wife thought it was a fantastic idea to shove a whole period’s worth of tampons down the commode.
17 Upgrade at a hotel
In the service industry, a “Benjamin” can go a long way. This applies, not only at the local strip club, but when you’re trying to get an upgrade at a hotel. Being casual about it is your best bet. As you slip them a credit card, stick the bill underneath and give the receptionist (hopefully a nice young lady) your best smile. You’d be surprised how often this works.
16 Rally after a big night of drinking
Everybody seems to have their own hangover remedy–a cup of coffee, a Gatorade with two Advil, perhaps some Chaser. I won’t sit and preach to you because, simply put, everybody’s body reacts to booze in different ways. What I can tell you is this…man up. If you need some caffeine, brew a whole damn pot. If you need to hydrate, hook an IV into your arm. Just get through the first few hours and worry about that raging headache later on.
15 Spot fake breasts
You’ll have to trust your eyesight on this one because it’s rare that you’ll be able to grab and feel for yourself. Personally, my rule of thumb has always been what I call “the jiggle factor”. If a woman can jump around or even walk without those things bouncing up and down, chances are, you got some silicone in your sights. Breasts are fatty tissue after all, and if fat aint jiggling, it aint real.
14 Choose the right urinal
There are unwritten rules for male public bathroom usage. No peeking, no excessive talking and by God, choose the right freakin urinal. If you’re the first one in, you DO NOT choose the unmanned one in the middle. The farthest one away from the door is your only choice. After that, it’s like a trip to the movies. Try to leave as many spots open between you and the next person.
13 Sew a button
Unless you’re some physical freak that regularly keeps themselves in shape, you’re going to gain weight as you get older. Gaining weight evidently leads to stretching out a shirt and snapping a button off. A simple thread and a needle is all you need. Remember, it doesn’t have to look pretty, it just has to work in a bind.
12 Unhook a bra with one hand
This is a daunting task if you’re a bit clumsy or lack any dexterity in your appendages. If needs be, practicing on a dummy or mannequin isn’t the craziest idea, although, it’s highly embarrassing. Our tip for you is pretty straightforward–reach back there and use two fingers. Actually wait, nevermind. That’s for something else entirely.
11 Open a bottle unconventionally
Not everyone carries around one of those fancy bottle openers on their keychains. One day, you’ll need to use a lighter or a hard surface to pop that baby open. Whatever you do, avoid the drunken rage of trying to pry it open with your teeth. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself at the dentist in the not-so-distant future.
10 Talk your way out of a traffic ticket
George Washington once stood underneath the cherry tree and uttered, “I cannot tell a lie”. Well, luckily for good ol Georgie, he never had to to talk himself out of a traffic ticket before. Beg, borrow, cheat, re-enact an event–anything it takes to avoid a $200 fine and taking it up the rear from your insurance company.
9 Off-road without flipping the ATV
First off, wear a helmet. You can only control an ATV so much as a beginner and you’re better off not becoming a vegetable. The most common mistake people make is taking a hill diagonally as opposed to head on. That’s the easiest way to lose control and inevitably, flip your vehicle.
8 Buy a gift for a woman
Those crotchless panties might seem like a great idea at the local porn shop, but if you ever plan to get laid again, you might have to be a little more thoughtful. Here’s an idea gentlemen, listen to what she has to say. It’s a novel concept, I know. Most women are willing to tip-off their likes and dislikes in normal conversation. If you’re willing to stay attentive for a few minutes, it hopefully will pay off sometime down the road.
7 Surf the web anonymously
We’re certainly not advocating you become a subscriber to every porn site imaginable, but there will come a time when you’ll want to peruse a few sites without someone else knowing. A few things you need to know: One, learn about proxies and two, clear out your cookies, cache and delete your history every time you use the web. That may very well tip off people to what you’re doing, but hey, at least they won’t know you enjoy Japanese anime porn.
6 Spot a liar
Unfortunately, the one person you’ll really need this type of wisdom for is your significant other. Yes, if your wife or girlfriend continually comes up with cockamamie stories of where she’s been or if she’s conveniently spending the night at her friends house, you have a serious problem. Confront her and ask direct questions. If she can’t look you in the eye or tries to change the subject constantly, well then, my deepest apologies fellas, you probably have a cheater on your hands.
5 Drive in crappy conditions
Be it rain, snow, sleet, hail, or even just muddy conditions, as a man, you have to be able to handle the elements. So adjust your driving accordingly. The absolute dumbest thing you can do is to try and be a hero. Your ultimate task is to get from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’ without killing yourself. If that means driving 30mph, so be it.
4 Change a diaper
You may not have kids of your own, but inevitably, one of your buddies or siblings will impregnate a woman. Don’t think you’re in the clear here, because at the very least, you’ll be forced to babysit once. Stock up on the Huggies, the wipes, the powders and hope to God that kid isn’t lactose intolerant.
3 Make a drink
A few shoots of smooth liquor, a splash of juice and a lime wedge is all it takes for a solid drink. Nothing fancy, pretty straightforward and to the point. Once you start tossing around bottles and mixing stuff you have no idea about, yea, that’s when you’re asking for trouble.
Unless you plan on sporting the Grizzly Adams look for the rest of your entire life, you’ll need to put a razor to your face every once in awhile. Remember, up and down, with and against the grain, but never, EVER sideways.
1 Make a mean breakfast
Every man needs to learn how to make breakfast for one very reason. If you want that chick you hooked up with the night before to come back, you need to either a) be stellar in the sack or b) cook the most incredible breakfast ever. We’ll guess you’re no Peter North, so, throw on an apron and fry up some bacon and eggs buddy.